“Am I really the worst mother? Or is this the story of how love sometimes gets buried beneath pain, misunderstanding, and loss?”

In this deeply moving and disarmingly honest book, Esmee de Roudtke takes you into her life as a mother, a daughter, a child—and a human being. Through personal memories, raw letters, moments of humor, grief, and quiet comfort, she shares her journey with ADHD, postoperative trauma, the loss of contact with her daughter, and the search for connection—even when it feels out of reach. Between painful letters and silent rooms, the strength of her voice keeps returning. Sometimes whispering. Sometimes screaming. Never giving up. The Worst Mother is not a lament, not an accusation. It is a search. A book for parents who stumble, who doubt, and yet keep standing. For anyone who wonders whether love is enough—and discovers that love also means saying “no.”

A story about letting go and holding on, about motherhood in all its imperfection—and about daring to look in the mirror, even when it cracks.

For those who stayed beside me when I stumbled without words.
For those who kept listening, even when all I had left was silence.
For you, reading this—with open eyes and perhaps a crack somewhere inside.

May this book be a gentle place where you don’t have to be perfect to still be enough.

Thank you.
For your patience.
For your love.
For your guidance. ❤️

Copyright
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission from the publisher or the author. The content of this book is protected by copyright law and other applicable international intellectual property laws. Any violation of these rights may result in legal action.

Disclaimer
The content of this book is based on the personal experiences, memories, and perspectives of the author. Although certain situations and individuals are described, this book is not intended as an exact representation of events or as a characterization of specific individuals. Names, details, and events may have been altered to protect the privacy of those involved.

This book does not constitute professional advice or guidance, but rather a personal reflection on life, motherhood, and the challenges that come with it. The author acknowledges that every individual has unique experiences and invites the reader to approach the content with empathy and understanding. The author cannot be held liable for any interpretations, misunderstandings, or consequences arising from reading this book.

All rights reserved.

About the use of AI (ChatGPT)
In writing and translating this book, I made use of a writing assistant powered by artificial intelligence, namely ChatGPT, to help structure and articulate my thoughts and stories. While all experiences and content are entirely personal, this assistance helped me express my words with greater clarity.

In addition, ChatGPT also supported the translation of this book into English, helping to preserve the tone, style, and emotional depth of the original text. The imagery described throughout this book was partly translated into visual form with the help of AI, based on my own memories and descriptions. These images reflect my inner world as I envisioned it.

Not a perfect book, but my truth
This is not a literary masterpiece. You may come across repetition, sentences that don’t quite “flow,” or thoughts that echo like a refrain. But that is exactly how I live and how I write. Some things need to be repeated, because they have settled into my body. Because I had to feel them a thousand times before I could understand them.

This book is not perfect—just like me. But it is real, honest, vulnerable, and written with love. And if you read between the lines, you may discover that it is not about perfection… but about the courage to keep speaking.