During the period of estrangement, my daughter began her journey toward a non-binary identity—a path I could only try to understand from the sidelines. As she immersed herself in binders and the LGBTQ+ community, I felt myself drifting further and further away. It was as if I was watching a film without subtitles. What had I missed? I tried to catch glimpses of her world through social media, but that felt like trying to hold water in a sieve. The language of non-binary identity felt like a minefield. How do you refer to your child without accidentally hurting them or misstepping in a reality that is still new to you? I wanted to understand her, but the distance made it incredibly hard. It felt as though I could only follow her life through photos and cryptic messages, while the world around me continued as if nothing had changed—unaware of the pain and confusion I was carrying. Combined with the absence of direct contact, it became an emotionally heavy and disorienting time.
What is non-binary? Non-binary people do not identify exclusively as male or female. Their gender identity exists outside the traditional binary spectrum. This means they may identify as both, neither, or a fluid combination of the two. The concept of non-binary is part of the broader LGBTQ+ community and includes identities such as genderqueer, genderfluid, agender, and bigender. The origin of the term “non-binary” stems from the growing recognition that gender is more than a biological fact. Cultures around the world have long acknowledged identities beyond the binary, such as the “Two-Spirit” tradition in many Indigenous communities in North America. However, in Western society, the term non-binary has only become more widely recognized in recent decades, alongside the increased visibility and acceptance of LGBTQ+ individuals.
For someone who identifies as non-binary, the experience can be deeply personal and complex. It is a journey toward self-acceptance in a world that is still largely structured around binary ideas of gender. This process can involve using binders, choosing new pronouns such as “they/them,” and exploring identity beyond traditional expectations. Non-binary individuals may also face confusion, rejection, or misunderstanding from others, which can be emotionally heavy. The search for identity often comes with feelings of alienation, uncertainty, and sometimes even moments of joy when they are finally able to express themselves authentically. Support from family and environment is crucial in this process, yet for many parents, it is also a challenge to understand and adapt to this new reality.
As a parent, it can be incredibly difficult to step into your child’s experience, especially when it lies so far outside your own frame of reference. It can feel like walking a tightrope between offering support, processing your own emotions, and learning to live with uncertainty. Communication is key, but when there is no contact, as in my situation, the journey becomes even more complicated. Social media became both a window and a source of confusion. How do you speak without making mistakes? How do you ask questions without causing harm, even when your intentions are good? And how do you hold onto hope—that one day, you might walk this path together? The non-binary spectrum is not only a challenge, but also an opportunity for growth, understanding, and love.
As a young girl, I was very much a “girly girl.” I loved dresses—especially those with bows and lace—and spent hours playing with dolls and Barbies. I created entire fantasy worlds with Playmobil and adored my ballet lessons, dressed in tutus and beautiful dance outfits. But one day, my mother decided I had to wear trousers to school. To me, that felt like a shock. How could she ask that of me? In that moment, I thought she was the worst mother ever. In the end, she won, as mothers often do, and with great reluctance I put on those trousers. To my surprise, my classmates thought it was cool. What had felt terrible suddenly became… acceptable. From that moment on, I dared to wear trousers every now and then.
Ballet was my greatest passion, but my body did not always cooperate. Despite my love for dance, my stiffness made certain movements difficult. My strict ballet teacher had little patience for that, and slowly my dream shattered. It was a deep sadness, because I wanted so badly to continue dancing. Still, my love for music and movement never truly left me.
Now, looking back at my own childhood and my role as a mother, I wonder whether I raised my children with unconscious ideas about gender. Did I place them in boxes by giving them toys or clothes that “matched” their gender? Honestly, that thought never really guided me. In our early years as a family, we had a large drawer under the couch filled with both “boys’” and “girls’” toys. Everything was for everyone. My Professor Son even received a baby doll once for Sinterklaas, though he chose not to play with it—and that was perfectly fine. The choice was always his. Both of my children had access to Lego, and every summer I would take all the Lego boxes outside into the garden, and we would build together for hours. It never mattered whether you were a boy or a girl—it was about creativity, connection, and joy.
These memories lead me to question: did I ever make my daughter feel that she had to conform to certain gender norms? Or did she truly have the freedom to discover who she is? As she now explores her non-binary identity, I find myself revisiting these moments, wondering how I may have influenced her. Perhaps I played a role, but I also hope that I gave her the freedom to be herself, beyond society’s expectations.
This path is not easy—for either of us. As my daughter embraces her non-binary identity, I continue to question whether I did the right thing. Did I give her enough space, or did I unknowingly shape her too much? The answer is not simple. But I hold onto the hope that the love and freedom I tried to give her were enough. In a world still struggling with gender roles and expectations, understanding and supporting non-binary children remains an ongoing journey. As parents, we are asked not only to grow with our children, but also to challenge our own beliefs and open ourselves to new ways of seeing who they truly are.
We are living in a time where gender identity is becoming more fluid and dynamic. The non-binary spectrum is complex and calls for adjustment—from children exploring their identity, and from parents trying to support them. It is a process of learning, where love and patience are essential. As parents, we must grow alongside our children. My journey toward understanding and acceptance is just as important as hers. This book is my way of sharing that journey, so that other parents may feel less alone. And I continue to hope that the distance between us will one day be bridged—with love and understanding as its foundation.
☕️ A cup of comfort
Dear parent, who searches, feels, and sometimes sighs…
You want to do it right.
You walk on eggshells, afraid that one wrong word might feel like rejection.
Not because you don’t want to support—
but because you don’t always know how.
Pronouns.
New names.
An identity that gives your child air to breathe,
while sometimes taking your breath away.
You look back at memories,
wondering if you missed something.
If you are still seen.
If you still know how to see.
You miss who they were.
You miss who you were in their eyes.
And now?
Sometimes you feel like a tourist in their new world.
Without a map.
Without a dictionary.
But still—you are here.
You stay.
You say: “I don’t fully understand yet, but I want to learn.”
And that… is love.
Not the perfect sentence,
but an open heart.
So take this cup.
For those who search in the night.
For those who sometimes feel like less of a parent.
For those who keep trying.
You are not too late.
You are on your way. ❤️
Geef een reactie